Quest For The Love Rubs

Here is a topic that has "Sucker" written all over it and guess who the sucker is. Yep, you guessed it. I have tossed so much of my road dime away trying to find just the right sprays, wax, polish and cleaning crap. I have even damaged a couple of my past two-wheeled squeezes using the wrong thing in the wrong place. I have tried an endless parade of products touting miracles of restoration. I have a collection of waxes, polishes and like items in a huge box. Most of them only used once. One of my friends once asked me if I had some sick fetish with cleaning goops because it almost appeared that I was collecting them as a hobby.

I learned some hard lessons. I thought about some of the mistakes that I have made. I am not going to get into the whole "How to clean your bike" deal, but I would like to offer some suggestions.

Don't bother cleaning your bike on long rides. Yeah, I do it sometimes, but only if I have plenty of water. At motels I usually grab the waste basket and take the bag out of it. Then I fill the can up with water and secure a few sacrificial hand towels. I know there are a few wanted posters out there for me at these motels because I have put an end to many a virgin hand towel. Places have become wise to this and at big biker events; they usually hand out old, worn hand towels in a desperate attempt to keep you from using the good stuff. The reason not to do it is that all that road grit just tears up your finish if you don’t use mega amounts of water. It's not always easy to find this without pissing someone off. Over the past couple of years, I actually enjoy the rat bike look that I get after a few days of riding. I save the cleaning for the day after I get back.

I have ruined plated surfaces by using metal polish on them unknowingly. If the paste doesn't turn black when you start the love rub...STOP!

Don't let some guy tell you that fine steel wool will polish. It leaves spiderweb swirls in the direct sunlight. It works for old crusty things but not on mildly, superficial dirty stuff. (Yeah, I would laugh too.)

I have tried everything from expensive car polishes to good ole'spit. I have found a few products that I have grown to trust and have found to work very well.

Anyway, I am going to assume that you have washed your bike down and then given it a good dry with your hurricane powered leaf blower.

"Windex" or a mix of ammonia and water. My bike has that Denim paint that HD has had out for a couple of years. No one knows how to clean this, not even the dealer. I did manage to find a paper that came down from the HD factory. No wax! I knew that part, but it clearly states to use a liquid dishwashing detergent in warm water and not to use the standard "car wash soaps" that are on the market. For light touch up, use Windex or an ammonia based clear cleaner! People tell me I'm smoking crack, but whatever. HD says you can use the Harley Gloss after, but I have not had the balls to try it yet. I'm still spray-gun shy. Don't use the dish soap on the clearcoat finishes because it dulls that type.

"S-100" products are by far the best I have run into. My VTX Retro had alloy mags. Water just ate these rims. I sprayed the S-100 corrosion prevention on them and I never had the problem again. I use this stuff underneath the bike and on the frame. It stops the rust and scaling. The S-100 detailing spray is awesome. S-100 put out a starter kit with everything in it. It is the best love rub money I have ever spent and if I could only have one brand of cleaner, it would be this stuff.

"Pig-Spit" Love this stuff. Try cleaning the powder coated areas of your engine with any towel and all you end up with is a linty mess. I just use a soft toothbrush to clean and after it's dry I spray this stuff on it. Ahhhh...looks like new. Feels good. You can use this on anything. I use it on my tires, wheels and it even extends the life of the drive belt. Chrome? eh.

"Nu-Finish Scratch Doctor" If you have the clear-coat spiderweb blues, this stuff work pretty good. You end up with a sweet wet look. Downside is; You can see your reflection clearly and that a bad thing if you are me. I ain't no handsome Dan.

"Blue Job" This stuff comes in dry form and you have to mix it, but it takes bluing off of the exhaust pipes and does a good job on other stained chrome parts.

"Plexus" is the one for all the clear or colored plastics. I like to use this on my shades too.

Well, these are the only things I use now. It's been a long, frustrating, painful, expensive and heartbreaking quest, but my suffering is over and in my own personal victory may you find too the "Holy Grail" of the love rubs.

Come to think of it, reading the instructions helps a bit too. Never, I mean NEVER ignore the part of the label that reads "TEST IN A INCONSPICUOUS AREA FIRST". I have found this suggestion to be more factual than I would care to admit. Dudes have it hard. We know it all and we are the masters of the love rub, that is, until the fender candy complains and educates us regarding the strokes that keep them truly satisfied.